Tuesday, February 20, 2007

I Smell A .........

A couple of years ago, I was tending my garden on a lovely spring day. I had planted several perennial flowers the year before and was glad they had come back and were so big and healthy. Then I noticed it. Next to one of my flowers was a small hole in the ground and next to the hole, one of my plants had been chewed to a nub. "Oh, those rotten rabbits," I thought. Even though I had never seen a rabbit in my neighborhood, I assumed the furry little beasts had taken up residence in my garden and had set about to eat all of my precious plants.

A few days later, I noticed the hole had gotten bigger. Now I was mad. They had eaten two of my plants and were making an awful mess of my garden. I worried that it was spring and that there would be cute little baby bunnies down the hole. I decided I wouldn't do anything about them.


Days passed by and then when I stepped out onto the porch one day I saw little beady eyes peering out of the hole at me. Shit. Not rabbits. Not cute baby bunnies. Mice. There were mice where we lived in the suburbs growing up. Irritating, but kind of cute. Off he scampered under my porch. I decided that I needed to take action. This was my fatal mistake.

The next day I armed myself with the hose, as I had decided to flush the suckers out. I didn't want to poison them. I figured if I flooded their home, they would feel unwelcome and leave. I shoved the end of the hose down the hole and turned on the water. Five minutes went by and I couldn't see any water rising to the surface. Ten minutes. Finally, the water started rising in the hole. "Industrious little mice," I thought to myself. As the water filled the hole I stood next to it watching. Then I saw a few bubbles. Then I saw large bubbles breaking on the surface of the water. Then it happened.....


Out popped the biggest rat I have ever set my eyes upon. It was enormous. I threw down the hose, shreiked like a little girl and ran into the house, slamming the door behind me. Through the window I saw the bastard run under the porch. I walked into the kitchen, picked up the phone and called the exterminator with the largest ad. Bunnies. Not quite.



Did you think you'd escape without a video?

10 comments:

Echo said...

Nice addition to the discussion of wildlife jumping out at us. Rats! Ick! I hate rodents after living too close to them at one point in my life... "Oooh! There so cute! Now die!"

Echo said...

One more thing! I think Bubs and I would both like to know if you did the "Eek!" during the hose throwdown like the weatherman or the spastic Belushi morning meatpuppet?

Bubs said...

Rats are why God created poison and shotguns. Well, one reason anyway.

Bubs said...

Yes, that's right! Echo and I demand entertaining video of your shrieking and running.

Tenacious S said...

I'm a jumper, boys. You can ask Mr. T about that one. I tend to hop up and down when I get royally freaked out. It's not very helpful in serious situations, but quite funny when a rat pops out of a hole.

Bubs said...

AHA! I just got to see the video now that I'm home--Rat Race! Brilliant!

God, I love the Specials.

Tenacious S said...

The Specials were my hands down favorite ska band.

lulu said...

What I find particularly funny about this sotry is that you live in such a beautiful house in such a posh neighborhood. It would be a sad story if you lived in the ghetto.

Dale said...

The video was much less scary than the rat. I would have shrieked like a little girl and then taken a rocket launcher to it.

Coaster Punchman said...

That is a horrifying story. Can't we all just get along????