Mutant Pets

This is Ed. Ed is the main act in the mutant pet parade that we have going on at our house. Ed is beautiful, but as you can tell by the look in his eye, he is no angel. Ed spends his days alternating between sleeping on any clothes that might be laying around the house (he especially has taken a shine to Bink's down parka) and blazing through the house, sounding much like an entire herd of wildebeest. Ed believes that because he is beautiful, he is also dainty. He frequently likes to jump on top of my dresser or Sweetness' dresser thusly clearing the decks with his large furry hindquarters. Except for the attempts when he crashes on the way up and sulks off, licking his fur and his pride. Ed likes his water fresh from the tap and yowls for us to turn it on at 6 a.m.. Ed also likes the following two pets and is often found perched on top of their cage with his paw swiping down into the cage hoping for an afternoon snack.

Our next mutant pets are Mandy the guinea pig(*break into Barry Mannilow in your mind at this point*) and Moon Unit the "dwarf" lop-eared bunny (*break into "Valley Girl" in your mind now). Mandy has been with us for a couple of years and really, other than the copious quantity of poop that she produces, she is pretty cool. Sadly, lately, she has become the bunny's bitch. We bought the bunny a few months ago at the insistence of Sweetness. It was the smallest bunny in the hutch at the pet store and we were told it was a "dwarf" rabbit. I think what they meant to say was that it was a baby bunny and would be getting much larger. At this point, I am convinced it is doubling in size each day. Moon Unit has decided that Mandy is not clean enough and has taken to grooming her 24/7. Poor Mandy cowers in the corner and submits to the bunny's incessant licking. Then there's the hopping. I don't know about you, but I really wouldn't want to be steamrolled by what looks to be a bullet out of a shotgun that was twice my weight and size. I know I shouldn't, but I do laugh really hard when the bunny gets a full head of steam on and crashes into Mandy, literally sending her tumbling end over end.

Last, but not least, there is lowly Grottle the tortoise. Grottle has been with us almost a year. She is slow but as sweet as a tortoise could possibly be. Sadly, she is our constantly ailing pet. Just like the lizard that went before her, she can't seem to keep healthy and has cost way too much for anything so unfuzzy. Her story is not so funny. I soak her and put drops in her eyes and give her supercharged vitamin water and she still is sickly. I think if anything happens to her, I'm going to give up on the whole reptile thing. They aren't meant to be pets. Ed does enjoy watching her soak in her little tub, although not as much as he enjoys watching guinea and bunny when they are in their big pen for a run. For that show, he hides behind various Hot Wheel track inching closer and closer, as if we don't see his large furry self sneaking up on them.

The point here is, well, there isn't much of a point. I always wondered as a kid why my parents wouldn't let me have more pets. I think I have my answer now. I just didn't want to be one of those parents who wouldn't let their kids have pets. As odd as they all are, they are part of our family, for better or for worse.