As I look over information from various schools, I get more terrified by the minute. First, there is the fear of rejection. What if they don't even want me? Then there is the fear of failure. What if I totally blow it? Finally, there is the fear of the time and money factor. What if this literally kills me and my bank account?
What I would like to know is, why did I have none of these fears the first time around when I frittered away opportunity after opportunity? I would give blood, eyeteeth, fill in the blank with something precious and valuable to have some of those chances again. Now, I feel too old to be doing this to myself. Worse, my daughter is only 7 years away from the same experience, and the same financial commitment. Honestly, at almost 41, I have to do a cost/outcome analysis to see if it is even worth it. Have I missed my chance in life? Will I make enough money when I am done for this to be worth it? Will I ever pay off my original student loans? Yup, still paying for those, too. Somehow something here doesn't seem fair to me.
I guess we all make choices in life. Some of mine are coming back to haunt me now. Truthfully, many choices I made, I would make again. It's just hard on the backside of the deal. You know? I feel like I was always destined to have my Master's degree, so when it didn't happen, it made me feel like somewhat of a failure. I suppose that anytime I look at my two wonderful kids, I shouldn't feel so bad about that. I must have done something right.
Monday, January 16, 2006
I'm Very Scared (of graduate school)
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4 comments:
You frittered away time and money because at the time it was your parents' money, and 20-year-olds have nothing but time.
In another year you will be 42, and in another 43 etc., do what makes you happy and don't worry about the money. The kids can take on piles and piles of student loans just like we did, and anyway, there is a lot of money out there for smart people.
Besides, Em is going to run off with a band before she's 17. :-)
Oh gosh, thanks, I feel sooooo much better now!
Well, what does Eddie think you should do? Perhaps if you take a picture of him he will tell you...
Having just come home (about 2 hours ago) from my first week of grad school, I'm here to tell you that it SUCKS, but it is exactly what I needed and I am so happy that I'm doing it. Go for it!
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