The Seether Part Deux

Where to begin? Ah, the list. The ever growing list of things that keep me up at night, bring me to tears, ruffle my fur beyond my cleaning capabilities, make me feel isolated and leave me drained. Who knew that Inauguration Day, a day which I blogged about the hope and optimism that I felt, was merely the beginning of a period that would proceed to unravel the fabric of my life, to rip the proverbial band-aid off of the almost healed wound. And yet, that is exactly what happened. I have been left standing here wondering if my childhood and the things that I perceived were really there at all. Somehow this dumb healthcare reform issue has managed to tear my life apart in ways I sure did not see coming.

Most people who know me, know that I will openly identify myself as a Christian. They also know that when I say I came from a VERY conservative background, I am not kidding. The only thing that would have made it worse was if they had put me in a private Christian school, which thankfully they didn't partially because we didn't have enough money and partially because when they threatened the action in sixth grade I vowed mutiny. I knew then that I had already had my fair share of indoctrination and that would have sent me over the edge into crazy land.

I wasn't allowed to question my faith as a child. I was forced to go to church multiple times a week. I was forced to hang out with kids from church. Many times my time with my school friends was limited because my parents tried to control every aspect of my life. I had little freedom as a child. I have never doubted that I was loved. I was absolutely loved and otherwise well taken care of. However, when it came to matters of religion and faith, there was no freedom. No freedom to explore. No freedom to question. The few times I rebelled against this, I was firmly put in my place by everyone surrounding me, my parents, my grandmother and everyone I knew at the church. Basically, the world that I was allowed to live in told me that I had better figure it out. So I would settle down again. When you get slapped upside the head enough, you shut up after awhile.

If the people I was forced to be with and be like were awful people, I would now be telling you that they are now in jail or some such thing. But the fact of the matter was that they were all pretty nice people and they all told me they liked me and it was virtually all I knew, so I was kind of OK with it. What could possibly be wrong with a bunch of conservative midwestern people who frequently made casseroles and thought jello was a salad? Well, maybe I should have seen something evil there. So I kind of did what I should do for awhile. It was just easier and it's not like it was awful and I had people that I thought were friends and my family was happy with me. Lots of positive reinforcement came my way when I was the good girl they all expected me to be.

Still, in all of this, I was always the malcontent in the group. I still had times where I would "backslide" and get called out for my less than Christian behavior. See, it was all about the behavior. If you are constantly behaving the way you should, it doesn't matter what you think. And by the way, that thinking stuff is dangerous. Be careful what you learn. My whole life was a study of censorship. Fortunately for me, there was one person in my life, who in the quiet moments let me know that it was OK to think. It was my mom. Even though she belonged to the same group and culture, she was different and everyone knew it. Whatever my mom was, she was honest and giving and one of the smartest people I have ever known. As I grew older, she began to encourage me to think and question. She opened up enough to allow me to see her own struggling and questioning. She was the one that allowed me to embark on the next leg of my journey.

Stay tuned for The Seether Part Drei, where The Seether makes a break for it.