Friday, January 27, 2006

Crappy Birthday To Me!

I think I hold the world's record for crappy birthdays. Last year, although the party was fierce, was bittersweet as it was my first one without my mom. The year prior to that, my cat of fifteen years died ON my birthday. Now this year has brought hands down, my worst meeting for work ever. I won't bore anyone with details of my work life, but it was an intense and bordering on unprofessional meeting where I got bashed around a lot. Gratefully, I had my unbelievably kind and loyal boss by my side. Were it not for her, I might have come a bit unglued.

So, the realization that I have come to is that once you are an adult, your birthday is no longer sacred ground. Instead of celebrating the day you were born, basically it can occasionally make you wonder why you are alive. Yes, I am mentally stable. Please note an air of sarcasm. Long gone are the party hats and fabulous gifts and the lavishing of attention on you. Maybe as a society we should really take birthdays more seriously. I think each one of us would agree that it would be nice to have one day where people build you up instead of tear you down. I really do think everyone should have a day off of work for their birthday and be able to do something fun and life celebrating.

That said, I'm back to work. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

Monday, January 16, 2006

I'm Very Scared (of graduate school)

As I look over information from various schools, I get more terrified by the minute. First, there is the fear of rejection. What if they don't even want me? Then there is the fear of failure. What if I totally blow it? Finally, there is the fear of the time and money factor. What if this literally kills me and my bank account?

What I would like to know is, why did I have none of these fears the first time around when I frittered away opportunity after opportunity? I would give blood, eyeteeth, fill in the blank with something precious and valuable to have some of those chances again. Now, I feel too old to be doing this to myself. Worse, my daughter is only 7 years away from the same experience, and the same financial commitment. Honestly, at almost 41, I have to do a cost/outcome analysis to see if it is even worth it. Have I missed my chance in life? Will I make enough money when I am done for this to be worth it? Will I ever pay off my original student loans? Yup, still paying for those, too. Somehow something here doesn't seem fair to me.

I guess we all make choices in life. Some of mine are coming back to haunt me now. Truthfully, many choices I made, I would make again. It's just hard on the backside of the deal. You know? I feel like I was always destined to have my Master's degree, so when it didn't happen, it made me feel like somewhat of a failure. I suppose that anytime I look at my two wonderful kids, I shouldn't feel so bad about that. I must have done something right.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006


If I haven't said it enough before, I'm saying it again, Breast Cancer SUCKS!!!! If you haven't already donated towards a cure, do it today. And if not, I'll be bugging you for donations again soon, because I plan to keep fighting this beast until it is dead. And I mean laying on the ground, doesn't move when you poke it with a stick dead.

Why Should God Get All the Crappy Music?

Score one for the good guys. There is nothing on God's green earth better than twitchy, nerdy, spastic, bombastic Christian rock. Where has this band been all my life? I'm talking about The Detholz!

I've mentioned before that I have always felt like an outsider when it comes to religion, at least of the organized variety. While my own personal faith in God remains strong, my faith that organized religion has something to offer declines with each passing year. I feel railroaded into agreeing with things I just can't tolerate, and think are wrong, and really don't want to hang out with the people who think it's okee-dokee.

Then I saw a preview of "Why Should the Devil Have All the Good Music?" last night, which was accompanied by a stellar sweaty performance by The Detholz! There apparently are some levelheaded Christians out there who have it figured out, or at least I think so. You do not have to completely forsake the "secular" world, nor do you have to adopt the religious right's message, or vote for the "Christian" candidate. Quite frankly, as far I am concerned, I'm pretty sure George Bush is the antichrist.

Anyhow, I digress. Christian does not have to be substandard and stupid. There are some righteous Christian rock bands out there. They aren't all Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith (I have bad aural flashbacks from my days at Calvin when I think of these people and the people who listened to them). The Detholz! are just one example of Christian bands who break the right-wing mold. I'm pretty sure we aren't going to hell.

Monday, January 02, 2006

Surviving Christmas

After a flurry of activity, the holiday season is officially over, at least as far as I can tell. I've seen friends and relatives, have used yards of wrapping paper and tape, have been to the grocery store more often than I thought humanly possible, have cooked more food, and actually found time to take several naps. I feel like we had a pretty good Christmas. Much better than last year. I managed to quickly recover from my holiday meltdown and actually enjoyed most of the festivities.

A year after my most difficult Christmas ever, I feel like I can reflect a bit and realize how much healing has happened in the last year. I am far from feeling like life is back to normal, as I think I've realized that I need to make a new normal. The old one just isn't there anymore. I miss the old normal, it was easy. I miss the comfort of my mother's words urging me through my life. But I think I am finding my feet again and learning to rely on myself a bit more. So a new year begins. I have great hopes for it to be easier than the last.